Glum Mummas - Why Not Having a Best Friend Isn't Always a Good Thing

11:05



This is the score - I am fast approaching my 40's, have a five month old baby and loads of friends. What could possibly be wrong? I have never had a best friend. I have always had a number of  close friends and I have some age old friends that I can count on one hand and absolutely loads of acquaintances. I am not sure if it the situation I find myself in now - self employed and with a young child, or that whilst feeding I have the time to mull over situations in life, or of course, it could quite simply be my age, but here it is. I feel that maybe I have missed out on something in life.
I haven't ever felt like this before. In fact at Uni' I tried having a best friend for a bit but it just didn't work. I found her clingy, too reliant and felt there were so many other people I could get to know that I hadn't been able to so I withdrew slightly and although we remained good friends in the medium term, in the short term she cast me aside in favour of a new BFF, and equally, she did the same long term (15 years after finishing Uni she sent me a text saying our lives were going in different directions and she no longer looked forward to spending time with me. So there I had it. Dumped by my "best" friend).

Since then I have been parts of friend groups or find I meet with friends a few times a year. Friends who are more local I invariably see more but I have always made the effort to stay in touch with people from all walks of my life. It has always worked. Until now.

It is my Son's Baptism next month and we have more people coming to that than we did our wedding (it is almost exactly the same group, bar a few newer friends, but this time they are bringing their children!). We are cramming everyone into our cottage and garden. We are putting on entertainment for the children and cricket for the men so no one is bored. Here I am feeling guilty we couldn't invite more as there are people we know and like who we simply don't have the room to invite.
The trouble that I have found recently is that for someone who is all inclusive I am excluded quite a lot. 

 Recently one of my oldest friends had a 40th party and she didn't invite me. I have recently been described as too British (by an Aussie friend). I wont confront her about it - the British friend not the Aussie one - as that would be rude (after all she can invite who she wants) and if she ever apologized for not inviting me because I live too far away, have a baby etc I will tell her it's fine. It's not. I felt like a jilted ex on Facebook stalking the pictures of the event, searching out faces I knew (a fair few, we grew up in the same place) and surreptitiously pressing "like", hoping that she would at some point say how sorry she was that I couldn't make it and I would explain she hadn't invited me. It would then transpire it had been a massive postal error and in fact I had been invited. We would laugh about it and all would be well. That didn't happen. Instead she replied and said thank you she had really enjoyed herself. End of.


I belong to groups - church, a political party, baby groups. I know and really like people at them all but I don't feel like I belong to any. In Mum groups a lot of the others see each other more than me as I do so many other things, mainly work.
Someone recently described my views on life as a dichotomy (division or contrast between two things that are or are represented as being opposed or entirely different) and maybe that is part of the issue?

Of course the chances are the whole thing is my fault which makes it all the more depressing. I have obviously placed far too much emphasis on these people and that is how I have ended up like this, 
feeling ever so slightly alone. I suppose it proves that friendship is more transient than I give it credit.

 We marry with the sole intention of it being for life but we make friends with the intention that if it doesn't suit us or more exciting people come along they are sidelined, or dumped?  Social media has altered life so much that maybe I am a Luddite who needs to change the way I view friends. I am busier than I have ever been running a company and raising a baby. I still take my son out for meals, to the pub and to peoples houses. I am not scared of my own company. If anything I relish an hour or two to myself. Yet in the core of my being I feel more alone now than I have ever done before. 

Is it my age? Is it because I am a new Mum or is it just a fact of life? I have no answers but would love to hear your views.................


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